


A Study in Fangirls

by Spark_Writer



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-18
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-23 21:11:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/931132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spark_Writer/pseuds/Spark_Writer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock's detailed reference notes on the various types of fangirl he has encountered in his illustrious career as the world's only consulting detective.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Study in Fangirls

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this fic was inspired by the myriad fangirl types I have encountered in my long, ravishing career as a Sherlock enthusiast. They all exist; I have had the somewhat misfortune of reading comments from all of them, and have acted as most of these at one time or another. :D Let's hear it for the Sherlock fangirls, the best of the lot! This is written from Sherlock's perspective in his private notes. He is alluding to various fangirls he has encountered on John's blog, as well as his website [The Science of Deduction], and face to face run-ins. Have fun! Review if you can! <3

INDEX:

1\. The Johnlock Shipper

2\. The Moripartier

3\. The Vehemently Slash Opposed Stickler

4\. The Fetishy Weirdo

5\. The Scornful Fusspot

6\. The Laugh Impregnated Fangirl

7\. The Animal!lock Shipper

8\. The Intellectual Fangirl

9\. The Explicatory Speechmaker

10\. The Skull!lock Shipper

11\. The Mystrade Shipper

12\. The Shipless Shipper Who Secretly Ships

13\. The Purposeful Misspeller

14\. The John Watson Hater

15\. The Psychotic Sheriarty Fanatic

16\. The Great Defender

17\. The Perverted Pervert

18\. The Cloyingly Optimistic Fangirl

19\. The Confused Grandmother

20\. The Body Language Expert

21\. The Screamer/Blind Individual?

22\. The Shipper of Inanimate Object Pairings

23\. The Normal Person

NOTES:

**The Johnlock Shipper**

Typical Comment:

"Asdfghjkl *flails*" Or: "I SHIP IT. I SHIP IT HARD. THIS IS CUTE. OH MY GOD. I'M GONNA CRY. OH MY GOSH. SHIPSHIPSHIPSHIPSHIPSHIP OH MY GOSH HOLY CRAP KISS KISS KISS IT WAS SO MEANT TO BE."

Who is she?

For some peculiar reason, the Johnlock shipper believes with religious conviction that John and I would be better off as a romantically invested couple, first names smashed together in disastrous bisyllabic marriage. She likes to think of herself as an enlightened romantic in a world full of blind skeptics, and wishes everyone around her to adsorb her logic. This person often refers to my relationship with John as "flawless," or "OMFG."

**The Moripartier**

Typical Comment: "Pleeeeeaaaaase!"

Who is she?

The Moripartier is of the irrational opinion that Jim Moriarty is the sexiest man alive, and dear god wouldn't she like to run her fingers through his hair. She often fantasizes about groping the consulting criminal and keeps gum in her pocket on most occasions. A particularly feral and obsessed sort of fangirl; I shall give her a wide berth.

**The Vehemently Slash Opposed Stickler**

Typical Comment: "Why do people always have to cross that line and make EVERYTHING in Dr Watson's blog about Johnlock? it really takes away from the effort Dr Watson puts into the blogs and to just makes their whole career about Johnlock, and all the subtext they blithely seem to think exists. Jesus."

Who is she? She believes strictly in male/male friendships, usually for one of two reasons: She's either a. homophobic, b. or thinks that anything past the platonic would ruin a pre-existing friendship. From my experience, however, she still obsesses over our friendship with frightening enthusiasm; perhaps that is why it is entitled friend _ship_.

**The Fetishy Weirdo**

Typical Comment: "OH GAWD THE CHEEKBONES OH MY GOD" Or, similarly disturbing: "Sherlock your arse i want to do things with it"

Who is she?

The Fetishy Weirdo focuses her affections on a singular part of my anatomy, lavishing it with verbose compliments, often naming it and using reams of capital letters and extremely disturbing emoticons to express herself. She is incredibly unrestrained about articulating her fondness for Holmesian bodily parts and on occasion, crosses into the dark ether of number 17.

**The Scornful Fusspot**

Typical Comment: "How could u think they are together? this is the worst pairing since hermione/sorting hat.  open your eyes people! John is always saying in the blogs how Sherlock is annoyed at him. u tink dat romantic?

Who is she?

The Scornful Fusspot likes to think of herself as the jaded cynic in a world full of gullible lemmings, determined to be a burning light of truth in a chaotic world of lies, tall tales and desperately imagined romantic chemistry. She is stupidly critical, bothersome and often followed by comments such as the shatteringly eloquent, "Shut your goddamn face, you nonlock believer!"

**The Laugh Impregnated Fangirl**

Typical Comment: "Dat laugh…I think I just got pregnant from that laugh."

Who is she?

She is utterly unversed in reproductive knowledge, and believes that my reaction to [John's] humour will allow her to conceive on the spot. I notice that she names this mind-baby "Hamish" in many instances, and leaves further comments such as, "Do you want to hold it, Sherly?" This is by far one of the most disquieting types of fangirl; I combat her absurdity by leaving a scathing reply or better yet by telling her I have been sterilized, so best of luck with that.

**The Animal!lock Shipper**

Typical comment: "They are just fluffydorableness. God, my feels are leaking everywhere."

I am not an otter. John is not a hedgehog. No. No.

**The Intellectual Fangirl**

Typical Comment: "Mr Holmes, you were wrong in this experiment—I think you'll find that when you mix pure hydrogen with oxygen you don't produce water (2H2O) as would be expected, you in fact create a chemical explosion. So it is perfectly normal that your solution exploded during the attempted grafting of Helium and Sodium. Don't be too harsh on yourself; we all have our form of kryptonite."

Who is she?

The Intellectual Fangirl knows everything about the laws that administer the universe, even the things science hasn't yet proved. She has an education, works in a laboratory environment (or claims to) and has devoted her remarkable gifts to telling me that I am wrong.  About everything.  

**The Explicatory Speechmaker**

Typical Comment: "This, folks, is more than just two blokes who share a flat. This, folks, is more than two men who happened to become good friends. This is the very meaning of friendship, of love! It's been dirtied and mucked by the rough patches of life, but somehow here it is. It's true magnificence. And I don't even ship them."

Who is she?

The Explicatory Speechmaker sneaks in and leaves a quicksilver remark in the blog comments section that seems to plunge straight to the core of the issue at hand, leaving spectators gasping in the wake of her brilliance. She is under the impression that she understands John and I's relationship completely, giving her authorization to "clarify" our current status and "clear up" any misconceptions. She is well loved by the majority of fangirls for cutting directly to the point.

**The Skull!lock Shipper**

Pure stupidity.

**The Mystrade Shipper**

Typical Comment: "Detective inspectors marry the government. Get the fuck over it."

Who is she?

To be blunt, she is enormously excited by the idea of Detective Inspector Lestrade and my brother sharing covert glances, snogging in blue police boxes (though that is another case study altogether) and generally being starry-eyed imbeciles. One could say that both men are fairly alrightish, but it is my opinion that they both could do better. Must consult my blogger on this one.

**The Shipless Shipper Who Secretly Ships**

Typical Comment: "mystrade is full of fuck. so is molliarty. these ships are utter shite. I mean they're not even sexy like Johnlock."

Who is she?

The Shipless Shipper Who Secretly Ships puts down every possible configuration of pairings possible, scorning them whenever she has access to the internet, and generally being a snarky idiot. She does ship, however, even if unconsciously, and the unconscious-shipper-within sometimes speaks for her, as obvious in the comment above. This fangirl is known by her bitter exterior, frequent Freudian slips, and broad disregard for grammar.

**The Purposeful Misspeller**

Typical Comment: "Sherluck you know you love ur Jawn."

Who is she?

Truly, I don't care to speculate on someone who finds it acceptable to butcher a peron's names. And she is not dyslexic; I've checked.

  **The John Watson Hater**

Typical Comment: "Sorry, Johnny-boy. My Sherlock. My Sherlock."

Who is she?

The John Watson Hater* is in constant mental and romantic competition with John; she spends her waking hours firing insults at him and complains that he is standing in the way of a deep, lovelorn relationship between her and myself. She calls him all manner of things; short, dumpy, grumpy, hobbit, stout, Hufflepuff, brainless, hopeless, boring, clingy, average, useless, dull, stupid.

*Worst.

**The Psychotic Sheriarty Fanatic**

Typical Comment: "They are…this is…the best thing eveeeerrrrr! HOT HOT HOT HOT I CAN'T EVEN BECAUSE MY MIND IS FULL OF SEXINESS"

Who is she?

The Psychotic Sheriarty Fanatic switches John Watson out for dear old JM. She is very imaginative, provocative and sexual in her fantasies, which usually result in Jim ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. There's usually a riding crop here and there as well.

**The Great Defender**

Typical Comment: "So what if they're gay? Stop judging people and let everyone be who they want to be because in the end, isn't that what life is all about?"

Who is she?

The Great Defender sees herself as a moral crusader [who always feels the need to inject herself into every conversation, at least long enough to let the rest of humanity know she holds the moral high ground]. She is maddeningly self-righteous, argues blindly on the side of idiots ("Don't hate on Anderson, we all need to think about what traumatic event in his early childhood made him act this way") and considers herself a pillar of even-mindedness in a dark internet cosmos of morons.

**The Perverted Pervert**

Typical Comment: "Come to my house Sherly, and I will you make your dick extremely happy."

Who is she?

The Perverted Pervert is A. a Sherlockian (the most annoying fan from the most annoying fandom existing on the internet) crossed with B. a pervert (a person whose sexual behavior is regarded as abnormal and unacceptable). This highly alarming and unsettling combination creates an uncontrollable beast of a fangirl, whose needs and urges cannot seem to be satisfied via internet.

*John punched the last one who dared infiltrate the flat.

**The Cloyingly Optimistic Fangirl**

Typical Comment:"OMG Sherlock and John you guys are just too cool and amazing and brilliant! I feel super excited just reading about your fantastic adventures. OMG I don't care if we never meet, I love you guys too much. keep up the awesomeness, kk? It makes me all happy flaily!"

Who is she?

She is a maddeningly cheerful enthusiast who piles on compliments to a near fatal degree. If a person could kill with happiness, The Cloyingly Optimistic Fangirl would be responsible. Guilty of praising my "beautiful personality."

**The Confused Grandmother**

Typical Comment: "My kippers began to rot the very day I brought them home from market. Could you possibly tell why?"

Who is she?

The Confused Grandmother is under the wrong impression that any mystery or unsolved business in her everyday life is of interest to the world's only consulting detective. It is not. It is an extravagant waste of my time, and takes comment room from those who have a proper question or thought-provoking observation (nonexistent so far).

**The Body-language Expert**

Typical Comment: "Look at this photo. John's hand is at a 90-degree angle in relation to Sherlock's, their legs are crossed towards each other, and Sherlock's shoulders are in a relaxed, open stance. It's official.  They're hooking up."

Who is she?

She is someone who uses positions of limbs and digits to speculate whether or not John and I are shagging each other. Bizarre, tawdry and superstitious. It also makes one rather self-conscious, because one begins to be hyper aware of one's posture and then one begins to think she's got a point, and then one—

**The Screamer/ Blind Individual?***

Typical Comment: "ASDFGHJKL THIS IS JUST ASDFGHHJKFJJGJ I CAN'T EVEN ASDFGHJKLTRYU THE WOMAN ASDFGHJHHKHJDJ BUT NOOOO I FEEL AWKWARD SHIPPING JOHNLOCK RIGHT NOW ASDFGHJKLUMQRA"

Who is she?

Caps lock addict.  Responsible for the rupturing of the national eardrum.

*More research required.

**The Shipper of Inanimate Object Pairings**

Typical Comment: "hey guys, i'm shipping the wall and jawn's chair so hard. Chall."

Who is she?

This fangirl is able to find shippable material in anything. She writes scandalous fanfiction pieces for Mycroft's umbrella and John's cane, and believes that any two objects should [and will] be together. She occasionally experiences awkward moments when there is no proper way to blend the names of the objects of her affection. (Cumbrella. Umcane.)

**The Normal Person**

Typical Comment: 

Who is She?

 


End file.
